How to Respond When a Family Member Tells Lies About You

When y'all catch your child in a lie, information technology's natural to feel betrayed, hurt, angry, and frustrated. Only here'southward the truth: lying is a normal child behavior trouble. It needs to be addressed, merely for about kids, it's not a character flaw, and information technology'due south non an consequence of morality.

Instead, lying is the immature and ineffective manner they choose to solve a trouble. Rather than fix an underlying problem, your kid lies near it.

If your child doesn't complete his homework, he solves that problem by lying and telling you he did. If your child doesn't get home before her curfew, she lies well-nigh why. Or about where she was or who she was with. Lying is used to avoid consequences rather than face them.

I believe that with kids, lying is used as a faulty trouble–solving skill. And it'due south our task as parents to teach our children how to solve those problems in more constructive means. Sometimes that means addressing the lying directly, but other times information technology ways addressing the underlying behavior that made the lie seem necessary.

In this article, I explain the diverse reasons why kids lie and how to handle specific lying situations.

Kids Lie To Avert Problem

Most often, kids lie to avert trouble. Let'southward say they've gotten themselves into a jam because they did something they shouldn't have done. Maybe they broke a rule, or they didn't do something they were supposed to practice, like their chores. If they don't have another way out, rather than suffer the consequences, they prevarication to avoid getting into trouble.

Again, in my stance, the primary reason kids lie is that they don't have some other way of dealing with a problem or conflict. Sometimes it's the only mode they know how to solve a problem. It's a survival skill, albeit a faulty 1.

Kids Lie to Individuate From Their Parents

Sometimes kids use lying as a way to keep part of their lives separate from their parents. In psychology, we call this individuation, and it's quite normal.

At times it may even seem that they make up needless lies nigh things that seem trivial. It can be inexplainable to parents.

And, of course, children prevarication when they think the house rules are too strict and they decide to disobey them.

Let's say you have a 16–twelvemonth–old who isn't allowed to vesture makeup, simply all her friends are wearing it. So she wears it outside the house, then lies to you most it. Lying may go a way for her to take you believe she's following your rules and still do typical teen activities.

Kids Lie To Establish Identity

Kids will use lying to establish an identity, even if that identity is false. This can exist used to impress their peers, possibly in response to peer pressure. Your child might lie to his peers about things he says he'southward done (that he hasn't) to make himself audio more than impressive. This is not unusual, and we all know adults who all the same do this in one fashion or another.

Kids Lie To Become Attention

When your child is young, and the lies are inconsequential, this behavior may only exist his way of getting a little attending. This is normal.

Younger children also make up stories during imaginative play. Understand that this is not lying merely rather a way for them to engage their imaginations and commencement to make sense of the world around them.

And then, when a small child says, "Mommy, I just saw Santa fly by the window," I call back information technology is very different from an older kid who says, "I finished my homework," when he hasn't.

Kids Lie To Avoid Hurting Other's Feelings

At some indicate, most people learn how to bend the truth in order non to hurt other people's feelings. If someone asks you if you similar their new shoes, and you don't, yous might withal say, "Hey, those look dandy on yous" instead of existence completely honest.

Only kids don't take the same composure that adults practise, and then it'southward frequently more comfortable for them to lie instead. This type of lying is a first step toward learning how to say something more than advisedly.

Indeed, we teach our kids to lie when we say, "Tell Grandma y'all like the nowadays even if you lot don't because it will hurt her feelings otherwise."

We have a justifiable reason—we don't want to injure someone's feelings who's gone out of their way for us. Nevertheless, we are however educational activity our kids how to bend the truth. And again, this is normal.

Lying in Children is Not Unremarkably a Moral Issue

I don't believe lying in children is a moral issue. Therefore, I think information technology's imperative not to have it personally if your child lies.

Indeed, most kids don't lie to hurt their parents. They prevarication considering there's something else going on. The important function for you every bit a parent is to accost the beliefs backside the prevarication. If you're taking information technology personally, you lot're probably angry and upset—and non dealing with the behavior that led to the lie.

Here's an instance. Let's say your kid didn't practise his homework, but he told you he did. When you detect out that he's lying and face him, he confesses and explains that he was playing sports with friends after schoolhouse, and that's why he didn't practice his homework.

At this point, you have a option to make every bit a parent. Either y'all can focus on the fact that your child lied to you, or you can focus on the fact that he did not complete his homework.

I strongly recommend that you focus on the underlying behavior—the homework non existence completed. As your child improves the underlying behavior, the reason for lying will go abroad. He won't need to lie.

In dissimilarity, if y'all yell at your child near the lying, about being betrayed, or about being disrespected, then that's all you lot're going to be able to address. Your kid will close down. And you're not going to be able to deal with the real issue of your child ensuring that his homework is completed.

The lesser line is that your anger and frustration almost the prevarication is not going to aid your child change the behavior (not doing his homework) that made the prevarication necessary for him.

And so lying is not strictly a moral issue; it'southward a problem–solving issue. Lying is a lack of skills issue and an avoiding consequences event. Your child isn't lying because he is immoral; he's lying because he can't figure out how to get his homework done on time.

Nigh kids know correct from wrong—that's why they're lying in the first place. They don't want to arrive problem for what they've done, and they're using lying to solve their problems.

That means our kids demand amend problem-solving skills, and you tin respond as a parent by helping them work on their ability to trouble-solve, which can be accomplished with effective consequences that teach your child how to problem-solve.

Selection Your Battles: Focus on the Serious Lies

I believe it's the parent's job to determine which lies are serious and which are not. And the most serious lies pertain to unsafe, illegal, or risky beliefs. Therefore, I recommend that you pick your battles and focus on the serious lies.

For example, you may hear your kid say to another kid, "Oh, I similar that dress," and then later on in the car, they tell you, "I didn't like that dress." You might decide to face up your child about this contradiction. But yous might as well let it become, peculiarly if this happens but occasionally.

Merely if they're lying nearly something risky or illegal or unsafe, yous must address information technology. And if it's about risky sexual behavior, drugs, or other harmful activities—you may need to seek some help from a professional person.

So pick your battles. Focus on what's important.

What to Do If You Grab Your Child in a Lie

If you lot catch your child in a serious lie, I recommend that you do non react immediately. Instead, send him to his room so y'all tin can calm down. Talk with your spouse or a trusted friend or family member and come up with a game program. Allow yourself time to think nigh how to handle the state of affairs.

Remember, when you lot respond without thinking, y'all're non going to exist effective. And then requite yourself a little time to program this out.

When you do talk, don't argue with your child most the lie. Merely state what you saw, and what is obvious. Y'all may not know the reason for the lie, but eventually, your child might fill you in on information technology. Once more, merely state the behaviors that you saw.

The conversation might go something like this:

"I got a telephone call from our neighbor. She saw you sneaking out of your window. And I noticed that you were falling comatose at the kitchen tabular array this morning time at breakfast. Just you told usa that you were dwelling all night."

And so say to your teen:

"At that place's going to be a consequence for that. You're not going to be able to stay over at your friend'due south business firm next weekend. And we're concerned about where you went."

Leave the door open for him to tell you what happened.

Recall, land what you believe based on the facts yous have. Do information technology without arguing; only say information technology matter–of–factly.

"We accept this information, we believe it to be true, and these are the consequences."

Continue it very simple and listen to what your child has to say, merely exist firm.

How to Accost Chronic Lying: Stage a Lying Intervention

If your child lies chronically or lies about unsafe, risky, or unhealthy behavior, I think it makes sense to address the actual lying in improver to the underlying beliefs. You can do this by staging a lying intervention.

A lying intervention is a planned and structured conversation nearly lying beliefs. This conversation lets your child know what you've been seeing, and it gives you lot a chance to tell them that you are concerned.

Here are some things to keep in mind when staging an intervention.

Plan the Intervention in Accelerate

Remember well-nigh how yous're going to intervene in advance. Plan it with your spouse or co-parent. If you're single, ask another close adult family member to be in that location with you.

When this issue came upwards with our son, my hubby James and I planned out what we were going to say, how we were going to react, and even where nosotros were going to sit.

We decided we were going to be as neutral and unemotional as possible. We identified the problem behaviors we wanted to accost. We as well decided what would be the consequences for our son's behavior.

We did all of this ahead of fourth dimension.

Be Specific Well-nigh the Lying Behavior

When yous're talking with your child, be specific near what y'all saw and what the issues are. State your intentions calmly and matter-of-factly:

"If the lying near homework continues, this will exist the consequence."

"It's obvious y'all snuck out final night. There volition exist a consequence for that behavior."

Think, it has to be a consequence that you can and volition follow through with.

Proceed the Intervention'due south Message Simple

Go on it very focused and simple for your child. Concentrate on the behavior. Then tell him that y'all desire to hear what was happening that made him feel he needed to prevarication.

Empathise that you lot are not looking for an alibi for the prevarication, but rather to identify the problem your child was having that they used lying to solve.

Be straight and specific. The intervention itself should be quick and to–the–signal. Don't lecture your kid for a long fourth dimension. Recall that lecturing is not going to exist helpful. Kids just tune that out. They've heard it over and over. They stop listening, and zero changes. Lecturing is ineffective.

Have Time to Listen to Your Child

Because lying is virtually likely the style your child is trying to problem-solve, make sure yous indicate that yous want to hear what's going on with her. Allow your child to explain herself and be prepared simply to mind.

She may non exist ready to talk with you lot near it initially. Therefore, merely exist open to hearing what your child's problem is. Y'all desire to create a safe environment for her to open up to y'all.

But if your child is not ready, don't button her. Instead, simply reiterate that you are willing to mind whenever she wants to talk. Try to be patient.

Related content: How to Talk to Your Kid Virtually Lying

A Word about Magical Thinking

Be aware that kids and adolescents are prone to engage in what psychologists phone call magical thinking. Your child engages in magical thinking when he convinces himself that his lies are true. Understand that your child doesn't want to believe he's a liar. No ane wants to be known every bit a liar.

And so you'll see kids who've gotten caught smoking at school say, "No, I wasn't smoking"—fifty-fifty though the fume is still in the air. That's magical thinking.

And when yous're a child, you remember that if you lot proceed repeating the same thing over and over over again, it volition magically be true.

Moreover, if your child gets away with a few lies, he will start thinking he should be able to become abroad with them the next time. The lies become more than and more abundant—and absurd.

But it's your task as a parent to say in a matter–of–fact style what you feel is the truth. Acknowledge the lie, just give the consequence for the behavior, not for the prevarication.

Conclusion

Realize that most kids are not going to lie forever. In all my years in working with adolescents, there were very, very few kids that I met who lied chronically for no reason. Usually, kids don't lie arbitrarily; they have a reason for doing so, no matter how wrong that reason might exist. Your kid does know right from incorrect, but sometimes he chooses to prevarication.

I empathise that it's hard non to have lying personally or to exist disappointed when your kid lies. But only remember, your child is trying to solve a problem ineffectively. Our job is to teach them appropriate and effective ways to solve issues and to coach them through these confusing years. Over time, they can learn to exercise that without lying.

tellezwoodles.blogspot.com

Source: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-deal-with-lying-in-children-and-teens/